i've got a lot on my mind

OK, so I do this so often it bores me. I get in a creative slump in every aspect of the term. I pine over other blogs and the creativity that oozes out of them and the women that created them, becoming slightly depressed over my inabilities. Truth is, I just became a mom for the second time. And life with a stubborn two year old, and I mean fall-asleep-in-time-out stubborn, and a needy 3 month old, is stressful. I'm learning to be a mom, a stay-at-home-mom at that, and a wife all over again. So needless to say I've been a little busy, and in the chaos I feel I've lost myself a little.

The fact of the matter is I don't think I really ever had a 'thing'. And that's why I pine over those blogs...those women have a 'thing'. It's a cute 'thing', a 'creative' thing, a fashionable 'thing'. But not necessarily my 'thing'. And I can't complain that I don't have time to have a 'thing' because all those other women have a 'thing' and children. I want to find myself, reinvent myself. And because I require lists...here is my list.

There's the mom thing. My neighbors must think I have a hearing problem and I don't realize I'm yelling. When did I become a yeller? Oh, that's right...when my son turned 2. And I can't believe I'm admitting that I'm a yeller. At least I'm not a hitter. OK, that wasn't very funny. But I want to be a better mom...that mom. The one that has patience for her kids. Patience is the only word that comes to mind right now...I think that's because I'm severely lacking in that virtue. Between dirty diapers that come at the most inconvenient times, projectile vomit on the third shirt of the day, and the whining about incomprehensible issues (I'm talking about both the kids and I), I feel this is an impossible feat. But I do want to raise my kids so I'm that mom my kids can talk to, have fun with, and respect. Respect what I have to say and respect me enough to heed those words.

There's the wife thing. I have to say I'm pretty good at this. My husband is probably doing that half snort/laugh thing when he reads this. But seriously. I try to be a good wife. Not that I don't try to be a good mom, but my husband HAS short term memory. Did you get that one? I do have an issue with communicating and then there's the sensitivity factor. Yes, I'm one of those women who let's things slide and then blows up when I find his dirty shorts on the floor and bombard him with a tirade of all the things he's done wrong, none of which have anything to do with his dirty shorts, and he is left wondering what the hell just happened. And I'm sensitive. Is there really anything wrong with being sensitive? No, I guess not, but sometimes I'm a little too sensitive...or a little too serious, and I want my marriage to be perfect. So step one, stop being so serious and laugh a little more, and step two, stop thinking that marriage has to be perfect. I did marry the guy knowing the flaws and loving him anyway.

There's the church thing. I was raised LDS...and I believe in the gospel, don't get me wrong about that. But I have always been not so good at trying to learn the scripture stories and history, saying my prayers daily, diligent with visiting teaching, calling my home teachers back, and lately going to church every week. This should be my thing, because maybe I wouldn't be having to reinvent myself if I did more of these things. I'd be more content. But I do believe in the church, I do believe it is the only true gospel, I do love feeling the spirit when I become humble enough to let it touch my heart, I do want to raise my children in the church so they will have the same morals and values I have grown up with, I do want to learn more of the history and read those stories in the scriptures, and I do love those people in the church that have helped me with my testimony. But it's a hard 'thing' and I'm trying.

There's the friend thing. Let's look at the fact that I have friends and not the fact that I am horrible at being a friend. My husband and my family are my best friends, and no offense, I'd rather spend time with them (even if they do leave dirty shorts on the floor or are brutally honest about my latest outfit choice). It's just that I am horrible at taking the initiative. If you call me I would love to talk and would be happy you called, and if we went to hang out I would enjoy that time and be grateful I had a friend. But that's the friend making the initiative. I will, however, remember your birthday and make sure I let you know I was thinking about you, and I will email you, text you, Facebook you, and blog you until your sick of me.

There's the cook/baker thing. My husband would testify that this is definitely not my thing. Granted I have become better at the cooking thing, but not so much the baking thing. My flour has been known to expire and me not notice (because I didn't know flour did expire). I just didn't know how to cook and through years of practice (and many disappointing meals) I have a little more intuition of what tastes good and what tastes good together. But I'm no Betty Crocker. And I'm not passionate enough to have this be my thing. But for my husbands sake I will continue trying. Maybe you'll see a post here and there on a dish that actually turned out OK. And by OK I mean my husband ate it and said, 'That was good babe, thanks."

There's the sewing thing. It's not that I dislike sewing...it's just that I never really had an interest in it. But sewing a rip would be a nice thing to learn. Maybe I'll ask for one for Christmas so I can post something I made, something cute that will be envied as I have envied so many others.

There's the photography thing. I wish I had the expensive camera to take those awesome shots of my children and post them on my blog so you too would awe over the cuteness of them. Most of the blogs I search through, I'm envying the pictures. But how can I convince my husband that I need a really expensive camera...especially since I convinced him last year.

There's the fashion thing. I've never been the fashionable one. Back when Dr. Martens were cool I knew enough to know they were 'in', but not enough to know that the one's at Payless were not. Or that puffy painting my shirts was nerdy. But that was a long time ago, I don't do that anymore (mental note: throw that shirt away...). Since I just had baby number two I'm still losing the baby weight, but anything that goes in my closet has to be sister approved.

There's the crafty thing. And by crafting I mean all those cute blogs, and the creative things I see on those blogs. Creatively putting this and that together, and creatively displaying their thing. I can get rolling on a project, thinking I'm doing pretty good, and then I get shot down when I see the gold star and realize I'm the bronze. OK, this is just a pity party right now. But I love being crafty and creating. I guess this is my thing...I just lost it awhile ago. It's a little dusty, and I need to make the time to wipe off the cobwebs because this is my happy place.

So what have I learned. I've learned that I love my kids and want to be a better mom...and I'm perusing your blogs for inspiration. I've learned that I love my husband and want to be a better wife...and I don't tell him that often enough (sorry, it's that communication thing and maybe a little of that sensitivity factor). I've learned that I need to find balance within myself regarding my beliefs...every situation is different and only my Heavenly Father knows my heart. I've learned that friends are a great cure for feeling lonely...but they don't know I'm lonely unless I tell them. I've learned that clothes and makeup don't make me but they do make me feel better about myself...who doesn't feel good when you know you look good? I've learned there are skills I can learn if I just keep trying, and there are some skills I have that I need to start using again.

from me to you {enjoy}


  1. Dude! Can I just say you are not ALONE with feeling inadequate in areas of your life. I LOVE that you made a list, because I am all about them! My problem is I make a VERY long, VERY unrealistic list and then when I don't accomplish it I get down on myself and then need to dig even deeper to find the motivation to start back up again. How do I start up again? I have to take it ONE DAY at a TIME. If I think too far in advance I get overwhelmed with all the changing and creating and working I need too do, then end up NOT doing it because I am too overwhelmed. I also look at others blogs and get, what's the right word, envious I suppose, of their happy, blissful, creative, adventures, crafts and lives! But I also come across blogs like yours! Where I see that I am not the only one who feels that way! SO all that being said, I am GRATEFUL that you posted your list, and believe it or not, it was very motivating for ME! So thank you!! I wish you the best in all your efforts and hope that you don't get too overwhelmed, like myself.

  2. Yep, I'm pretty sure most women feel this way at one time or another. I LOVE how honest you are since most people don't admit how they really feel about being a woman. Love ya!

  3. I have to admit, I was a little afraid to post this. What would people think? But like you said Brit...I'm just being honest. Love ya back. And Jocelyn, you put it perfectly. I'm taking one day at a time.

  4. Honestly, you should have put writing as one of your "things". I don't usually get through a very wordy post, but yours had me hooked. You are funny and honest. You made me feel normal and like I'm not the only one feeling some of the same things. Thanks and I'd love to sew/craft with you sometime!

  5. I loved your post. It was very honest and something we all have in common I think. The one comment I hear all the time is "You are your own worst critic" I think it is totally true because a lot of those things you just posted that were "not your thing" are things that I think draws me to want to get to know you more! You are so darn crafty/fashionable/funny/real. And don't worry about the yelling thing, I was a yeller too when gabe and nolan were 2/3ish...I swear it is the only way to get a point across sometimes! lol. Hang in there and I hope to see you soon!

  6. and then there's the "writing thing" cause you've got that one mastered already. loved these words. wishing that my own battles at tackling these same "things" didn't keep me from getting out of the house and down the street to yours more often. love, lindsay

  7. i agree....i think writing is most definitely one of your 'things'.

    trust me, i get bored easily & you had me hooked.

  8. amen. that is all.

  9. Cecile31.1.11

    Nicole! This is the first time I've visited your blog and I love this post! You are not alone in these feelings! All of them! Even though Chris and I don't have kids yet, we would like to have kids soon. Your experiences with the kiddos are things I think about when thinking ahead into the future. And as for the wife/cooking/friend issues, I have had those exact thoughts and feelings (I am one of those wives that lets annoyances accumulate in my mind too..with the best of intentions of course!)
    The craft issue you mention is something I just went through as well. My entire childhood, I was pretty crafty (I remember you being artistically skilled in school too). From about college on, I felt like I had lost my artistic abilities. I didn't really think about it until about 5 years ago, but when I realized I wasn't being crafty anymore, I really felt like a huge part of me was missing. It wasn't until about two years ago that I found it again. I was laid off from my job and had to temporarily move back in with my parents for a couple of months-which was tough. However, during that time, I needed something to do, and I decided I wanted to learn to knit. I locked myself in my room (similarly to the way I used to as a child) and I started knitting. I spent HOURS knitting each day for a couple of months and it was this that brought back my creativity. I finally now have my craftiness back and it feels great! So don't give up!!! I know it's in you!
    Anyways, great blog and thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone!